Raison d'être
by Earthborne
Summary: AU. And Ginji was just stupid and naïve enough that he wouldn't be able to tell the difference between what was good for him and what was dangerously bad, and that it was a very, very bad idea to love Midou Ban.


My first (and quite possibly last) foray into the Get Backers' fandom. Be kind to me please! This has been my baby for a hella long time, (I'm pretty sure it's been more than two U.S. presidential terms) so play nice eh? Um... yeah. I was really stuck on a name for this... so I came up with **raison d'être **, which means "reason for being". I'm not too good with story names...  
I am also just a _little_ iffy about the ending. I may edit it eventually. But for now, for my peace of mind... I'm putting it up here...

Takes place before the Voodoo Child arc, and have made a few uh... _embellishments_ to poor Yamato's demise.

Enjoy! (If you're wondering why the rant is so short here, wait till you get to the bottom!

Disclaimer: Absolutely no rights belong to me; this is all just twisted fun.

XxX

Ban sat at the top of the highest school building, one leg dangling precariously over the edge as he held a cigarette between his lips. His shirt wasn't tucked, his tie was missing altogether and his shirt buttons were opened halfway, a black shirt peeking from underneath the white.

The smoke he blew out curled around him, forming some kind of corrupted halo. He flicked the ash into the air, the wind carrying it away before tearing it apart. He smirked as he dropped the still smouldering fag, sadistically hoping it fell on some hapless idiot running around beneath him. He scowled at a blond boy who scored a basketball hoop, the adoring, mindless crowd 'ooh'ing and 'ahh'ing. It must be the ever-popular Ginji, student representative and all-around Mr-Nice-Guy. The yellow spikes bobbed up and down as he slapped high fives with everyone.

Disgusted, Ban looked away from the crowd and looked off into the horizon, towards the direction where Germany, his birthplace was supposed to be. He pulled out another smoke and lit it up, sighing in satisfaction as the poisoned nicotine air filled his lungs, indulging his oral obsession. He didn't notice the blond head turn in his direction. Ban was yawning, cigarette already halfway through, when he heard running footsteps on the stairs, and the door slammed open, the broken lock (courtesy of Ban) dangling uselessly. Ban blew another breath calmly.

"Ban!" Ginji rushed up to him and tore the cigarette from between his fingers, before throwing it onto the ground and extinguishing it.

"I wasn't finished with that." Ban said absently, yawning again. Ginji fumed, and planted his hands on his skinny hips.

"Do you know just how bad those things are for you?" He lectured, and Ban tried to stifle a groan.

"They give you heart disease, asthma, tar in your lungs, c-cancer…"

"Not exactly a problem for me here." Ban snapped tersely, pushing his glasses back onto his nose viciously.

"Ban-chan…" Ginji said again, trailing off.

"Save it." Ban said again, and his tone told Ginji not to push it further. Ban almost wanted to reach for another, but he glanced at Ginji and instead he began playing with his Zippo lighter, barely noticing the voluptuous and rather naked relief of a woman. The bell rang, deafening in their ears. When the last note faded and Ginji was still there, Ban turned towards his best, and undoubtedly only friend.

"Aren't you supposed to go to class, Mr Student Representative?" He asked drolly. Ginji looked almost sheepish, as he ruffled his blond spikes and laughed, scuffing the ground with his sneakers.

"Nah. Think I'll stay with you a little longer." He said, and flushed at the admittance and how sentimental it sounded. Ban shrugged his shoulders, kind of glad for the company but not willing to admit it.

"Suit yourself. But you know you'll get the rap if they catch you with a 'bad influence' like me." Ban smirked. He can almost see it now, the teachers having an apoplectic fit over their favourite pet shirking class to hang out with the school's infamous criminal.

Ban flicked the lighter open and ignited a flame, passing his fingers through dangerously slow. The school seemed to not quite know what to think of him, when he first transferred at the start of the year, the only thing they were sure of was their utter bewilderment and despair that Amano Ginji, their very own Golden Boy, made it his personal mission to become Ban's best friend, and wouldn't hear of any of their warnings. They comforted themselves in thinking Ginji was just being his typical do-gooder self, saving a hooligan from his sins, as Ban quickly made it obvious that he was very much a delinquent. He was highly amused at some of the hardier rumours still going around. That he went to clubs every night and went home with twenty women; he had mafia connections and was involved in arms and drugs trafficking, that he was the ringleader of some underground anarchist group. That he was a murderer. The lighter snapped shut. At least that wasn't a rumour. They simply didn't know that.

Soon they heard heavy, measured steps on the stairs again. Ban stiffened and a snarl curled his lip. Ginji looked worried. Fuyuki Shido opened the door the roof, an unpleasant expression on his face.

"Ginji." He gave him a respectful nod. "Midou." He said with a lot more venom, "What a surprise to see you up here smoking and skipping class."

"Suck it up and shove it where the sun don't shine." Ban replied casually. "It's actually more of a surprise not to see you licking your own package like the dog you are."

"_What did you just say?" _Shido snarled, and advanced. Quickly, Ban had flipped around to stand on his feet, looking casual but his eyes were focused and deadly behind their tinted lenses. Ban spat at the ground, highly annoyed. He'd never like this guy, no matter what universe they were in, and Ban sneered.

"Couldn't hear me? Thought dogs had exceptional hearing. You must be of a lower breed then."

Shido seemed disinclined to reply, except with his fist. Ginji got up in time to push the two apart.

"Honestly! You two are such children!" Ginji scolded, shaking a finger at them. Ban and Shido looked at Ginji, of all people saying that in incredulity. And for the first time, the two nemeses agreed upon something and started laughing. Ginji looked bemused.

"What? What did I say?" He pouted. Ban shook his head and leaned on Ginji. "Baaaaan-chaaaaan~" Ginji whined, tugging at his sleeve. Ban laughed harder. Finally, the laughter dissipated, and the two men wiped away tears while Ginji pouted.

"Ginji." Shido said, his face back into its stoic mask, laughter lightening his eyes, "The teacher is looking for you." Ginji cocked his head.

"About the festival next month?"

"Yeah." Ginji stuck his lower lip out.

"She can keep looking then." He said petulantly. Shido looked surprised. Ban snickered. "I'm sick of her shoving all the work she should be doing at me." Shido gave a shrug.

"Alright then. But you know she's just going to go badger Kazuki." Ginji's eyes widened, and he began flapping his arms.

"Whaaat? Aw man, I should go find her then."

"It's fine, Ginji." They looked towards the door again to see Fuuchouin Kazuki in the doorway with his boyfriend Kakei Juubei leaning against the doorjamb.

"Bloody hells, what is this, invade my private space hour? Even the sewing kit duo is here." Ban griped, referring to the fact that they were the presidents of the sewing club.

"It's public property, moron." Shido snapped.

"If I say it's mine, it's mine, dog—breath." Ginji looked pleadingly at Shido, who seemed to restrain himself with great will. "Christ, practically all of the student representatives here. I feel so honoured." Ban snarked, honestly irritated at the lot, especially Ginji for attracting them, and went back to standing on the ledge, overlooking the school and rather pointedly ignoring them.

Ginji pouted at Ban's backside, and turned back to his friends with a rather dejected air. "I guess we'll have to find ol' Fujisaka-sensei and talk to her about the festival?" Shido was about to reply, when Kazuki stepped in and waved a hand elegantly.

"Like I said, it's fine Ginji. I'll sort it out."

"But – " Ginji protested.

"No, no. I insist. Emishi thought up a good theme this year, and he wants to run with it. You don't mind?" Ginji blinked, while Shido turned around to eye Kazuki, wondering if the elegant man had lost his marbles somewhere.

"Of course not, Kazu-chan. I was stumped for a theme actually. So he has it sorted? Does he need any help?"

"Oh, no he's fine! I'm helping him actually, don't worry." Kazuki gave Ginji a wide smile, before turning to Shido "Shido, Emishi wanted to talk to you about animal attractions." Shido cautiously followed Kazuki and Juubei down the stairs again, looking back over his shoulder suspiciously at Ban.

"Ne, isn't the festival exciting?" Ginji chirped as he climbed up to sit beside Ban. Ban grunted, an unlit smoke dangling from his mouth. Anything Emishi thought up would undoubtedly be in technicolour and plastered with Hawaiian floral prints. He sucked through the filter to get a little taste of the nicotine. "Maa maa, Ban-chan, you're going to come right?" Ginji looked up at him from under his messy fringe. Ban felt like saying no, simply because he really wasn't interested, but he had a bad habit of caving in to whatever Ginji wanted. Ban sighed to himself. That was a dangerous weakness to have for someone in his position.

"I'll think about it." He muttered, and gave a faint smile when Ginji jumped up and cheered, since that was usually Ban-speak for 'I don't want to, but I'll let you drag me there'. His jumping however, was miscalculated by one step, and next thing he knew he was tilting over the edge. Ban wished he could say it happened in slow motion for him, but before his brain had even processed the thought that Ginji was about to die, his reflexes had his hand snapping out to wrap itself around Ginji's arm and jerk him back.

Ginji righted himself quickly, hand to his thundering heart as the adrenaline rushed through him. He stared at Ban, who looked nonchalant and somewhat disinterested.

"You alright?" He asked, pushing his glasses up and chewing the filter slightly.

"Y-yeah... But Ban-chan, you –" Ban bopped him over the head with his knuckles.

"Dummy. Watch where you're stepping next time." Ginji clutched his sore head, and watched as Ban casually walked down the stairs. With the shock out of his system, Ginji became distinctly aware of the throbbing in his arm. Lifting it, he found an ugly bruise about the shape of a large hand forming. Ginji stared at where Ban's retreating back had disappeared to, and rubbed his sore arm. He wasn't sure if Ban was deliberately avoiding the subject, but... Ban hadn't moved an iota when he pulled him back. Only his arm had moved, and Ginji hadn't even seen it, and the other hand was still firmly in his pocket. Ginji was no light weight, and neither had his fall been slight. And no normal person could have a grip so strong it left such serious bruises so quickly. _Ban-chan..._

Ban stopped at the landing of the stairs, one hand leaning against the rail. _Stupid, goddamn idiot!_ He swore inside his head. If Ginji hadn't been so careless, he wouldn't have lost control like that and gripped him that hard. His hand tightened, heart racing against his will, and the steel railing creaked as it bent and warped out of shape. _Moron._ _Such a moron._

XxX

"Ban-chan!" Ban turned around when he heard his name called, and sure enough, it was Ginji at the school gates, his bag at his feet and his basketball jacket on, waving furiously. Ban couldn't help but think of that arm as a tail, and Ginji the ever-loyal puppy. The other students were so used to his antics that they barely paid any attention, including the fact that he dared to call Midou Ban 'Ban-chan'. The local Yankees had the thought to pick a fight over it, but after Ban wiped the floor with them and both parties received a cross scolding from Ginji, the gangsters decided they loved Ginji quite as much as everybody else, and apart from warning him that 'if you ever hurt Ginji…' (to Ban's endless amusement) left Ban alone. As Ban moved up to him, Ginji excitedly hopped forward to fall into step with him, so easily, as if it was the most natural thing in the world. Ban tried to shake off the comforting feeling this gave him.

"Ban-chan, you heading home?" Ginji asked him as they walked along their usual route, before they parted ways in the park.

"Yeah, I am." Ban replied, and ignored Ginji's surprised look. Ginji always asked him that question, even though he knew Ban usually went anywhere but back to his lonely apartment, not until late in the night. It was usually bars or pachinko parlours.

"Then you wanna come back to my place?" Ginji bounced on the balls of his feet. "Mum made your favourites and - and today she's gonna be visiting auntie so we'll have the house to ourselves and we can play video games till really late and she won't yell at us." Ginji grinned at him, face flushed and eyes bright, and Ban sighed. Oh he was not naïve at all - Ginji's mother could be near diabolical when she wanted something, and it was usually a baby-sitter for Ginji. But he agreed, because the woman could cook like the best, and he was sick of takeouts. Ginji cheered and chattered happily beside him.

Ban glanced at his companion, and tightened his hold on his bag, cuffing the blond for some stupid remark about penguins at the North Pole. He gave an inward sigh. He really wasn't supposed to be here anymore, he was meant to take stock of the situation, take appropriate action for it, and then leave. But Ginji clung on stubbornly like some kind of persistent fungus, and now he was stuck here for an indefinite amount of time. It's not that he wasn't flattered, but there was only so much time, so many chances you could take before your past, and your demons, caught up with you. He was fast running out of both and the price was something far too high for him to pay. He looked at Ginji again, unknowing of his own wistful expression.

"Muuuuuuuuuuuuuuum!" Ginji bellowed when he entered the house, kicking his shoes off haphazardly. Ban took his shoes off in a much more elegant manner, and arranged Ginji's shoes. A blonde woman came down the stairs, her arms full of washing for the week. Her hair was of a browner shade than those of Ginji's, having darkened with age. Raising a son alone had also put lines on her face, but she was still the stunning beauty she once was when younger. Ginji had inherited her slender face shape, though his jaws were more prominent. His eyes however were from his father - Eliza had dark blue eyes.

"Ginji, what did I tell you about kicking your shoes off when we have vases in the foyer?" Eliza scolded, and her son whined at her. She turned to Ban, who stood there with a slight knowing smile. She beamed at him "And it's always good to see you Ban! Nice to see _someone_ in this day and age with some manners!" She huffily went into the kitchen to sort the laundry, while Ginji trailed behind her, protesting and asking for food in the same breath.

"Oh here you go you monster. Just keep growing why don't you?" She complained good heartedly, shoving a plate in front of Ginji, who dug in ferociously. "You want anything Ban? Your dinners are in the fridge by the way boys; just heat it up when you want it. Your favourites too!" She smiled at him, _almost _innocently, and Ban smirked at her.

"Of course, you need something to lure the baby-sitter in, right? Well, hook line and sinker, I'm here." She grinned at him, and ruffled her son's hair affectionately when he insisted through a full mouth that he did not need a baby-sitter; yet the newly repaired hole in the far corner of the kitchen wall from the last time he was left alone spoke volumes in its silent accusation.

As the energetic blond told her about his day, blow by blow with his usual wild gestures and exaggerations, she 'hmm'ed and nodded and gasped appropriately at all the right places while she sorted and folded the clothes, smelling gorgeously of warmth and laundry detergent. Ban watched the picturesque scene for a moment, an unnamed emotion crawling down his throat, then slipped away quietly to Ginji's room on the top floor. The house Ginji lived in with his mother wasn't grand, but it was quite well to do. When Ginji's father had died, he had left his considerable wealth to his widow and son. Having paid for the house entirely, the mother and son pair lived comfortably, though Eliza still worked to keep herself busy, 'in case I get senile' she claimed, though she was only brushing her late thirties. Ginji's room was typical of him. There appeared to be attempts at some sort of organisation, but as things with Ginji usually were, the order seemed a little ADD and most things were lying in the way. Still, Ban manoeuvred his way around easily, dumping his bag by the foot of the bed and settling into the rumpled bed. Picking up Ginji's latest bedtime read, _Death Comes for the Archbishop_ - Ban snorted at the morbid title, and began to read. Half an hour later, Ginji poked his bright blond head around the door and motioned for him. Ban's eyes did not miss that while Ginji's jacket had come off, there was dressing on where the bruise would be. Fist clenching, the brunet followed him down the stairs to bid farewell to Eliza, who warned them to behave themselves before waving cheerily and closing the door.

"It's soooooo gooooood to have the house to ourselves!" Ginji crowed as he rolled around on the bed, loosening his tie as he did so. Ban kicked him slightly with his foot.

"Don't you get too excited, I'm still keeping an eye on you." He crouched down to fiddle with the video game console.

"But Ban-chan," Ginji chirped as he hung over the side of the bed and poked at him, "it's still gonna be great cos I'm gonna beat your ass to the ground this time in Tekken!"

"In your dreams, dope."

In the end, Ban still won by a wide margin. "Whyyyyy..." Ginji moaned as he hung his head dejectedly, "can I never winnnn?" Ban looked back from where he was smoking outside on the balcony, and smirked smugly.

"You mash the buttons. There's finesse in what _I_ do." Ginji stuck his tongue out at him.

"I bet you just get lucky."

"I must be the luckiest guy on earth then. Or maybe you just have the shittiest luck." He laughed, while Ginji fumed at him.

Ban had just put out his last cigarette for the night when he felt Ginji come up behind him, mimicking him by leaning on the railing. "Maa maa, Ban-chan…" He trailed off, looking thoughtful. Ban pushed his glasses up and looked over the darkening sky, intense orange and crimson overcome by velvet blue and black. A soft hand on his arm made him look at Ginji, and the younger boy reached up slowly to his face. Instinctively, his hand flew up lightning-quick to grab his wrists. "Please..." Ginji murmured, and Ban was surprised enough to let go of him, curious to what he wanted. Ginji took off his glasses, and Ban blinked at the sudden colours brought to his vision. The blood orange of the setting sun set off reddish highlights in Ginji's hair, while his tanned skin was accentuated with the warm tones of the light. Ban blinked again, like it had just struck him how pleasing his best friend was on the eyes. He felt rather discomforted by that thought - his life was complicated enough as it was.

The violet lenses in Ginji's hands weren't something he really needed of course; his vision was perfect without them. But they put something between him and other people, more so perhaps for their sake. Most found his clear electric blue eyes unnerving. Ginji perched the round spectacles in his hair and grinned at him brightly. Ban sighed, "Ginji, give them back."

He shook his head. "Nope!" And continued to look towards the flaming horizon. Ban could easily swipe those glasses so fast Ginji wouldn't even realise they were gone until he looked at him again to see him wearing them, but for some reason he refrained. Maybe he wanted to see how Ginji reacted to his eyes and their terrible gaze.

"We should grab some dinner." Ginji said suddenly, and started for the stairs. Ban blinked at his retreating back. For a split second there, the situation had become something Ban did not understand. And worst of all, did not have control over. Slightly disconcerted, he went down to join Ginji, who had somehow managed to make dark smoke billow out of the sparking microwave already. Thankfully, it was only a small portion of their dinner, as Eliza made food for them like a famine was about to come upon an army. This of course meant that the two still fought over who got to have the best bits, and spent the next ten minutes feeling like a round beach ball, waddling up the stairs to collapse on the bed and chair.

"God I'm so full..." Ginji gasped from the bed, and Ban grunted in agreement. "I don't think I should have had dessert." The blond groaned, and Ban threw a cushion at him.

"I told you..." He burped, and groaned too.

"Uuugghhh... Let's watch something... take my mind off this... I feel so bloated..." In the end, the two of them settled down enough to watch some action packed movie that always had Ginji jumping excitedly at the loud explosion scenes. Soon enough though, Ginji had fallen asleep, lulled by a full stomach and the warmth of another person, despite the loud movie. Ban glanced at the clock: 11:46, no later than if his mother had been home anyway. He sighed, and looked at the blond, who was currently drooling profusely all over his shoulder. His eyebrow twitched a merry dance.

"Dear god, Ginji, wake your ass up, you're slobbering all over me!" He pushed at the sleeping boy, who smacked his lips and drooled a bit more before he woke enough to mutter sleepily if the house was on fire – and if not, please shut up. Eventually Ban had to pinch him hard on the arm before Ginji yelped awake, and was pulled into the bathroom to get them prepared for bed. Ban shuddered as he tore off the half soaked shirt, dumping it in a corner before pulling one of Ginji's wife beaters on. He sniffed, and for a moment appreciated the smell only a mother could bring to laundry.

While he had been brushing his teeth with the spare toothbrush they kept for him, he looked at himself in the mirror, and beside him Ginji was brushing half-heartedly with closed eyes. Ban stared at his purplish blue irises, looking like shards of broken glass even in the dim light. He blinked, remembering that Ginji had taken his glasses. He glanced at him, who now looked like he was foaming at the mouth, and sighed. Trust Ginji to be impervious to his piercing gaze - hell the boy was immune to everything else about him that made him so utterly dangerous. Maybe the boy had an impaired survival instinct… Ban glanced at Ginji again, and saw that the foam had dribbled onto his shirt. Among many other impairments, that is...

"Ban-chan?" Ginji asked from where he had already settled into bed in a new shirt, the blankets bunched around him. His voice was small and shy, but Ban was too busy to notice, kicking aside the odd bits and ends from the floor to make a space big enough for the futon in Ginji's room that was kept especially for this kind of occasion

"Yeah?" Ban answered as he shucked his trousers.

"You can sleep in my bed too if you want..." Ban couldn't tell in the dark, but he could swear he heard the blush in Ginji's voice. He was now hiding in his blankets, and only his big doe-like brown eyes peeked over the edge.

"What?" Ban froze, not quite thinking he heard right. Praying he didn't.

"Well I always feel bad when you sleep on a cold drafty floor and in the mornings you always complain about stiff limbs," Ginji said in a flustered rush, "and my bed is big enough anyway so..."

"I don't think that's such a good idea Ginji." Ban cut him off quickly. _Better nip this in the bud _he thought to himself, trying to ignore the ball of uneasiness squirming in him.

"Mou…" Ginji seemed to ruminate further, a laughable mythical concept at any other time, but Ban held his breath. "Okay… I guess." Ban didn't even have to have excellent night vision to see the disappointment on Ginji's face. As the blond boy's breaths eventually evened out to deep sleep, Ban stayed awake and stared at the ceiling, which was plastered with glow in the dark stars. _Childish…_ Ban smiled, and a quick sweep with his eyes told him there were about forty of those blasted things there. Suddenly he sobered. Childish, yes, that was what Ginji was. He wasn't blind to what was happening with Ginji, could see the curiosity and the slow but steady growth of affection for him. Ban doubted Ginji even really knew what it was he was feeling, just that he wanted something, and it was Ban. And Ginji was just stupid enough and naïve enough that he wouldn't be able to tell the difference between what was good for him and what was dangerous, and that it was a very, very bad idea to love Midou Ban.

Said brunet sighed forcefully in frustration: it was just like Ginji… a puppy with the instincts to love unconditionally and loyally but without the common sense to temper it. It had been fine so far with Ban being the voice of reason so Ginji didn't hurt himself, but now… Now Ginji was going into untested waters, tentatively reaching out with that simple need to be comforted and held and loved, reaching out to _him_, of all the bloody people in the world. And Ban didn't know if he could push him away, to treat that precious innocence with the rough callousness he was accustomed to. The fact that even he, the ever logical, always rational realist could find himself unable to deny Ginji something so utterly unattainable and idealistic… it scared him beyond thought.

Ban could admit to himself, there in the faint twilight of the artificial stars, that he couldn't deny Ginji because he wanted it too. There was something about the way that someone such as Ginji, so innocent and… beautiful (Ban blushed uncharacteristically) could love someone like him. He didn't know whether Ginji would feel the same if he found out about the secrets Ban was keeping, but it was still… a wonderful feeling to be loved by someone, Ginji especially. The boy was like the sun, and everyone orbited around his brightness, his happiness; he drew you in and made you smile and laugh, like you're someone special in the world to him. Ban swallowed thickly when he realised he didn't want to let that feeling go. He huffed, and sighed deeply again. God, the night was getting to him.

He threw the blankets off himself, finding that he was feeling too hot and muggy to sleep. Blowing his hair out of his face, he pulled his school trousers on and padded silently over to the balcony (not that stomping and clashing cymbals would have woken Ginji, it was just force of habit). He slid open the glass door and stepped out, inhaling the wet scent of a sultry night on the eve of rain. Clouds loomed on the horizon, moving quickly as the wind picked up just a little. The pale moon was almost full, a solid and imperfect disc in the smoky onyx sky, and cast enough of its cold light to illuminate some of the dreary suburbia before him.

He leaned on the railing again, and the sly cold caressed him gently like a lover. He licked his lips and wished he had cigarettes on him, but again, one look behind him at Ginji's sprawled form had him refraining. Suddenly it struck him. _Is this what it feels like to be whipped?_ The crazy thought almost had Ban laughing out loud. He was still chuckling quietly to himself when he felt the disturbance behind him; he always had some sense of Ginji when they were in proximity. Ban didn't turn around, using just his ears to tell that Ginji had stumbled out of bed. Surprising. _The clouds are closer now_ he mused, noting the pressure in the stuffy air. The heavy glass door slid open again. Ban turned his head halfway, just to acknowledge the slightly shorter boy. The sleepy blond stood hunched over in the doorframe, liquid chocolate eyes droopy and sleep-fatigued. His shirt was too big for him from repeated washings, yet it was still an obscene orange. His shorts were a startling spring green and it hung low on his hips. Altogether a horribly clashing look, but Ginji pulled it off. He yawned widely. "Ban-chan…?" He murmured questioningly.

"Go back to sleep Ginji." Ban said to the garden sprawling under him.

He heard the door close, but was more than surprised when footsteps pattered quickly behind him and long, tanned arms slid around his torso. Ban tried to turn, but the warm arms tightened and he stilled. Ginji's forehead was pressed against the back of his head, and he could feel his soft breaths stirring the hairs on the nape of his neck, feathering down his back. Ban tried to suppress the shudder that snaked through him, chilling as if someone had drawn a fingernail up his spine. He glanced down and saw those white bandages, so starkly contrasted against Ginji's golden skin. He felt guilt make dinner of his insides. Seems he would never stop hurting him.

"…Ginji?" He ventured tentatively. He found it harder to draw breath, and couldn't tell whether it was him or the oppressing atmosphere of the rain to come. The blond boy behind him didn't answer, just turned his head so he could rest his cheek against him instead. Ban stiffened; his heart pounded painfully and the blood roared in his ears. He could feel Ginji slowly tensing up, before suddenly, he relaxed and the arms around him drew him even closer. The warmth against his back felt like it was burning him. He was hyper aware of everything – the white noise of silence, the heartbeats, the soft breaths… that suffocating, yet liberating warmth, seeping from Ginji into himself.

Ban opened his mouth, refusing to acknowledge the slight panic that had crept into his voice, "Ginji, what are you do-" he was cut off when Ginji's mouth came close to the shell of his ear, his chin tucked into the crook of Ban's shoulder.

"Ban…" He murmured, and his breath tickled the sensitive skin. Ban closed his mouth with a click of his teeth. He has hardly ever heard Ginji say his name without that silly honorific, and never in that tone of voice. It was the kind of voice that spoke volumes about what was unsaid. It was full of wonderment, longing, and need, with the slightest petulance of a child who did not understand why he was being denied something.

Ban had no idea how he managed to read all of that in a single syllable, but it was there, and undeniable, demanding an answer. His breath hitched and he hung his head, his inky black hair falling into his eyes. God, he just couldn't ever seem to catch a break. Here he was, on the precipice of something both amazing and disastrous, something that could make or break him, maybe both. But knowing he couldn't commit to this relationship in that way. It was far too dangerous for them both; it tied him down too much when it was risky enough as it was, created attachments too hard to dismiss, too easy to use against him, and it screwed everything up. Yet he couldn't bring himself to break Ginji's heart. He'd broken the arms, legs, necks and minds of other people but against Ginji he felt helpless. The warm presence behind him had always been a constant, offering unconditional trust and love, something Ban had never ever experienced before in his whole life. For him, life was a game where people used and manipulated each other and threw them away, and if you weren't careful you'd end up dead in an alleyway. He had sworn to stay on top of that cynical game, but then Ginji breezed in and all his self-imposed rules just defenestrated, and he found himself wanting to lean back into that presence. For so long, he had been alone in looking out for himself, and those he finally managed to trust had paid in blood. But with Ginji… he felt like he could rest his weary soul and finally relax. With Ginji he felt at home.

He opened his mouth again, was about to say something, anything, but then those _damn_ white bandages caught his attention again, and whatever had been in his throat, probably surrender to Ginji, like he had always done (and he _knew_ it was dangerous damnit), whatever was about to be said and change their relationship forever was strangled and swallowed. He could never forget, could not _afford_ to forget, why he was here and why he couldn't get close to anyone, Ginji especially. So he up and said something that irreversibly changed their relationship in another way entirely.

"Go back to bed, Ginji." He said quietly, fists clenching hard in front of him. The arms around him stiffened. He could feel Ginji's heartbeat, fluttering like a bird beating against its cage, and just as self-destructive. The silence stretched between them for exactly thirty-five seconds; Ban had counted them to keep his will from crumbling.

"_No._" Ginji said, and again, surprising Ban with the strength in his voice. "No, I don't want to." He said, louder this time. The arms squeezed again, and _really_, Ban thought belatedly, _he is still so childish, I am not a stuffed animal_ before Ginji whipped him around and tried to kiss him. Tried, because Ban was still too fast, and he only got the corner of his lips. Making a frustrated little growling sound that was far too adorable, Ginji tried again, but Ban pushed him away, against the wall of his house, ignoring the cold that rushed in to fill the vacuum between them, ignoring the loud thump Ginji made because he'd pushed too hard.

"Ginji, stop it." Ban forced his voice to be steady, to be firm. He didn't know if he was successful. The blood roaring in his ears drowned everything. "You…" What? He wondered to himself. Don't want this? He does, and has been wanting, for a while now. Don't know what you're doing? Oh he knows that too, quite well. Don't know what you're getting into? But then, who does? In the end he settled for the truth, which cost him. "You can't do this, not here, not with _me_. You don't understand what's going on." And that was it, dropped like a stone into a still pond, the ripples disturbing the water long after the stone is gone from sight. And Ginji shook his stubborn, mulish head, because he doesn't understand what Ban was trying to _say_, and is being his usual moronic self, protesting, "I do! You always act like I'm stupid and childish, treat me like a kid but I do know! You're Ban, and will always be Ban! I don't care about those stupid rumours or what the stupid school says, or what my friends say either! You…" He trailed off, brown eyes warm and beseeching, "You're Ban-chan. You always will be to me."

Ban shook his head, like he was trying to throw his thoughts out of it. Ginji didn't get it of course, but he went with it. "What if they were true?" Ginji froze beneath his hands. Ban looked at him from beneath his lashes, knowing that he looked sinister. "What if I told you that one of those rumours was true? Can you guess which one?" Ginji was silent, his warm chocolate eyes wide. Ban answered for him. "I did, in fact, kill someone." He didn't think Ginji could get any more still, but he surprised him, yet again. The boy was on a roll today it seemed. "With these two hands…" He murmured, his voice velvet soft, his baritone reaching Ginji easily through the quiet static of the night. He slid his two hands from where they were resting on Ginji's shoulders, up to his neck, slowly. The blond seemed to have stopped breathing. "I pinned him to the wall, strangled him. I felt his windpipe crush bit by bit, and saw his eyes roll to the back of his head, heard him gasping like a fish out of water... And with my right hand I... I stabbed him; felt his insides tear apart and his blood drench my hand. I still can't wash it off, not ever." His voice was low and vicious, full of venom. Through his speech he had slowly tightened his grip on Ginji's neck, until he could feel the windpipe give a little. Ginji's pulse was racing and erratic, his eyes wide and glistening with fear.

Ban felt like he was slowly ripping chunks out of his heart, to see Ginji, _his_ _Ginji_, scared of him like this. But he was at a point of no return now, and even if Ginji had wanted to breathe he would have found it difficult. Ginji tried to shake his head.

"I-I don't believe you." He managed to rasp out, "Ban, I lov-" Ban's tenuous hold on his self-control snapped. His right hand whipped up lightning fast and smothered Ginji's mouth.

"Don't. You. Dare." He hissed, blazing, ice cold eyes narrowed into cruel slits. "You have _no_ idea. Don't you _dare_ stand there and pour your heart out to me when you haven't a clue to what's going on, to whom I really am, _what_ I am. I'm a monster Ginji." The blond's eyes widened again and he tried to shake his head, but Ban wouldn't let him. "No. I am. My mother screamed it at me when I was born, tried to kill me when I was barely a month old. I killed a man, my best friend when I was fifteen because of my stupidity and my mistake, just to save myself. I've robbed, mugged, broken into houses and I _won't..._ I didn't want it to be... I am _not_ a good person, Ginji. You let me forget that for a while, but never that you're too good for the likes of me. I treat you like a kid because you act like one. But you know what? I wouldn't have you any other way." He leaned in closer to Ginji, pinning him with his crystalline eyes. "I've regretted a lot of the decisions I made in life, but…" He licked his lips, hesitating. He watched Ginji watch his lips, and heat curled inside him, devouring the guilt, making him lightheaded. "But not as much as I will regret this." He removed his hand from Ginji's mouth, curled it around neck, and then moved in slowly, eyes locked onto those brown ones until he closed his eyes, and kissed him, just as he released his hold on his neck. Ginji's first full gasp of air took Ban's kiss and his breath, his hands on Ban's shoulders, fingers twitching. Ban poured his breath into Ginji's oxygen deprived lungs, into his being, as if he were giving him life. He moved his brittle lips over Ginji's soft ones, nudging those lips further apart so he could explore it with his tongue.

Ginji made a small noise in the back of his throat, but Ban ignored it and cupped his face, kissing him deeper. Ginji leaned into it, inexperienced but wanting more, wrapping his arms around Ban's shoulders. Finally, Ban broke apart from him, resting his forehead against Ginji's. The blond looked dazed and dizzy, cheeks flushed beautifully, lips wet and inviting. Ban forced himself away. _One kiss_, he'd said to himself. Just one, just once. Never, _ever_ again. He turned from Ginji, who still looked a little lost, and went into the room. He picked up his bag and walked out of the front door with his head held high.

He walked around the corner before he started to walk faster, and then he found himself sprinting through the streets in the near dark, the sky above him rumbling and ominous. When the rain began to fall in thick sheets, each drop as big as a coin, Ban stopped, and stood there in the rain. His clothes were soaked through in a matter of seconds, his bag hanging limp off one shoulder. He tilted his face up to the droplets, cold and stinging. He put a hand up to his face, and remembered that Ginji had taken his glasses. He sighed. There was a bright flash that illuminated everything in the dull grey street, and he waited, counting the seconds. He got to seven before the thunder struck, deafeningly loud, reverberating through him.

_Gods, I am so selfish._ He slammed a fist into the concrete wall beside him, ignoring the faint spider web cracks. He rubbed his other hand across his mouth, and closed his eyes, remembering the way Ginji had tasted of fresh mint, the texture of his lips, the way his tongue had slid along his own… Heat pooled in his stomach, coiling, spiralling down. He took a shuddering breath and bit his lip through, tasting blood. _I shouldn't have done it, god I'm a stupid, selfish asshole._ _Now I've given him hope and I can't stop thinking about it. I won't be able to forget, to ignore it ever again_. He looked at the bag in his hand, and with a derisive snort dropped it, abandoning the drenched item.

He leaned against the wall for support until he pushed himself away, hands in his pockets. He stopped next to a shop window, and stared at his distorted reflection. His hair hung down all over his face, and the clothes clung to his thin frame uncomfortably. His tired eyes stared back at him, clouded like weathered sea glass. _Ginji… what more do you want from me…?_

He looked away, and stared at the infinite dark that swallowed the street in front of him, houses and trees blending into an abyss. He turned back to the window and smashed through it easily, reaching in and grabbing a packet of cigarettes along with a lighter. He lit one up, and took a drag underneath the eaves. The better question here was, what more did he want from Ginji? He'd already taken so much... selfishly, overstayed his time. He could, if he put his genius mind to it, go back and find a way to tell Ginji of the secret he'd been keeping all this time, and maybe Ginji would still accept him. Maybe they _could_ make it work, with no more secrets, no more hiding. But how could he do that to Ginji? Force him out of his happy world? He had a good life here, wonderful, in fact; far better than what Ban could provide.

The only problem here in this little idyllic piece of fucking paradise was him. If he was willing to leave, just leave, and pray to a god he didn't believe in that Ginji wouldn't fall apart... Ginji was at his mercy here, like always, and he hated it, hated both options. There was no way he could make Ginji confront the truth about his so-called perfect life like that, and at the same time... he couldn't just suddenly leave Ginji without some kind of explanation. But what explanation would Ginji accept? There could be no closure for the blond boy, if Ban were to leave and without any sort of contact information; too much to hope that Ginji would forget him, not when things had gotten this far. Ban bounced his forehead off the wall he found himself collapsed against. If only he hadn't stayed so long, hadn't been too _damn selfish_ about wanting to stay with Ginji as long as possible, memorise all that he still could, and now it was too late. Ginji would never accept a reality without him, would try to chase him to the ends of the earth. He wasn't even being arrogant thinking that, he'd even been warned, by multiple people with firm looks in their eyes. He laughed humourlessly and punched the wall beside him, cracking the bricks.

"Ban."

The brunet turned his head around, surprised but not, and there, standing in the pouring rain, was Ginji, his hair plastered to his face, clothes sticking to him like a second skin. His arm was bare of bandages, the tan skin unblemished and unmarked. Ban glanced at the street behind him, and saw streetlights illuminating what was previously pitch darkness. Through the sound of the rain he hadn't even heard him, and he didn't know how long he had been daydreaming. He turned back to Ginji, who was still standing there with that indecipherable look on his face.

"How'd you find me?" Ban asked nonchalantly, propping one foot up against the wall, hands shoved in the pockets of his school uniform.

"I always know where you are, Ban." Ginji replied as he shrugged, his voice oddly serious for once. Ban glanced at him, and swore that look reminded him of someone who wasn't meant to exist here. "You're always in my mind after all." Ban looked at him sharply, and pushed himself away from the wall, re-entering the stinging rain. He stood in front of Ginji, his cigarette long doused and soggy. He threw it away. Ginji glanced at the broken shop window, and didn't look as worried or angry as he should have been, just that blank look.

"Really. How touching." Ban drawled, and was glad his fists were in his pockets, because they were shaking. Ginji cocked his head.

"Why are you still here?"

"Because I felt like taking a stroll and you felt like following." Ban snapped, and focused on the pain of his nails digging into his palm. _No. He didn't. Tell me he didn't._

"No... Why are you still _here_?" Ginji asked again, his voice, along with his expression, was tense, but at the same time something Ban couldn't read, and it frustrated him. Didn't matter anyway, the gig was up. Ban felt a heavy feeling of exhaustion settle over him like a sodden cloak.

"You tell me." Ban intoned, and felt strangely, ironically, vulnerable without his lenses. He scowled to himself. He didn't _do_ vulnerability, he was Midou Ban damnit. Ginji narrowed his brown eyes at him.

"You made your decision, even when it wasn't yours to make. But then you stayed, and I - I thought that meant something, started hoping. But in the end, you're leaving anyway, so why aren't you _gone_ _yet_?" His voice rose at the end, and Ban closed his eyes so he wouldn't be able to figure out if it was the rain, or whether Ginji's eyes were always that bright.

"When did you figure it out?" Ban's voice sounded defeated, jaded beyond measure. Ginji stared at the puddle forming between them.

"A little while ago."

"How?"

"I... I don't know. I was just... thinking how everything was too perfect, and then there was you, the one thing that didn't fit. It just kind of... clicked to me. I felt that something wasn't right..." Ginji finally sounded a little unsure. Ban snorted softly.

"Flattering." Ginji actually blushed. "How much do you remember?"

"Just... little bits and pieces. The fight and that guy... the client, and you, and pushing you away, and lots of pain. I don't like to think about that last part."

Ban scuffed the ground with his foot. Noted absently that the rain was letting up. "Why didn't you say something?"

Ginji frowned at him. "You stayed here, so I was waiting for _you_ to say something. Why didn't you?" Ginji sounded hurt and accusatory. Ban looked away.

"Look... when that guy hit you with his version of the Jagan he'd put everything he had into it; he died cursing me, but shoved _you_ into your worst nightmare. You weren't meant to get out of it alive, comatose if lucky, and that's pretty much what you were." He swallowed thickly. "I had to use my own Jagan on you as a sort of conduit to get in there and help you, but I could only do it after the battle, after I bailed us out of that hell hole. When... when I got to you, you were in really bad shape. I managed to get you out with Raitei's help – and that was no picnic – but you immediately withdrew into yourself, dragging me along, and created this fantasy world. I was meant to go along with it and slowly help you realise that this isn't real." Ban found himself babbling, but continued – he'd kept the guilt inside too long.

"But... damnit, what was I supposed to do? Tell you that this happy, perfect life you have here is fake? Everything was just in your head, that you had to come back to a life where you live hand to mouth, as an orphan, living in danger all the time, without even a proper home? Fuck, I wouldn't do that to my worst enemy, and you're my best friend. I almost got you killed. And I won't lie; I'll probably always almost get you killed." Ban ran a hand through his spiky hair, sighing deeply. "When I saw how happy, how _good_ everything was here, I thought maybe... I'll let you retire here. You'd be happier in your head than you ever would be out there, and that eventually I'll leave your mind, make some kind of excuse for transferring maybe, get out of your head and move on. But then you got attached, and I couldn't leave... And I _have_ to leave. I know it's not right to leave you in a fantasy world, but this is honestly the happiest I've ever seen you. I thought... well, this is your subconscious. It's the kind of life you always wanted, isn't it?" It was off his chest now, out in the air. He closed his eyes again, listening to the quiet, drizzling rainfall.

"You're so stupid!" Ginji suddenly yelled at him, startling Ban into snapping his eyes open. "You... you think you can just decide my happiness for me like that? Sure, everything here is what I thought my life would have been like, but it's not real like you are!" Ginji swiped angrily at the tears coursing down his cheeks. "I – I don't care about living like a hobo or – or being in danger, because _you're_ there and you'll be there _with_ me and save me all the time, like you always do." Ginji swiped at his cheeks again. "And I don't want to live in this stupid world if you're not in it because the main reason I'm happy at all is because you're _here_." He finished his rant with a final swipe, and stood there in the rain, glaring furiously at the ground. Ban stared at him, his entire body lax with shock.

Ban's shoulders trembled, and he put a hand to his face, hiding his eyes. "You don't get it. You haven't heard a single bloody thing I've said have you? You're... I'm not... _no one_ has ever had a happy ending with the Serpent Bearer." His eyes glazed slightly with the memory, "Love and hatred are two sides of the coin for me..." He whispered, and squeezed his eyes shut. "And I will never be romantic or as caring as you want me to be, as you deserve to have. I will put you in danger. I will be a callous and cold-hearted bastard and I will most likely never let you see all of who I am. You can do better than this bitter cynic who will just hurt you again and again." Ban lowered his hand and looked at the myriad of fine, fine scars on his arms, his vision suddenly blurred. He could see Ginji's face soften out of the corner of his eyes. Ginji stepped closer to him; his hands warm as he cupped Ban's face, looking at him with all the adoration and faith in his world, resting his forehead against his.

"And I told you, it doesn't matter to me. It… it doesn't have to be two sides of the same coin," Ginji said, his voice low and sincere, "if love's not enough, there's a third option; I _trust_ you, Ban-chan, more than anyone I'll ever know." Ban drew in a quick, sharp breath, feeling like someone had just frozen his lungs. He swore he was manlier than this, but he felt his eyes prickle. "You'll always just be my Ban-chan." Ban gave a shaky chuckle in reply.

"Only you would say something so moronically clichéd like that, you utter sap." Ban snapped without heat, half in frustration and half in relief that they weren't exploring that vulnerable topic. Ginji's mouth quirked slightly.

"Not true." He said petulantly.

"Oh?"

"Why did you stay then? And why are you still here?" Ginji grinned at him, blushing madly. Ban rolled his eyes, feeling a flush creep into his own face.

"Idiot." He muttered under his breath, steadfastly avoiding his eyes. The blond boy drew back and gave Ban a look that made it clear he wasn't fooling anyone. Ban sighed grumpily, stalling slightly before he held his arms up. With a megawatt grin, Ginji happily threw himself across the scant distance and onto him, wrapping his long arms around Ban's thinner frame. The brunet gently did the same with Ginji's more solid build. He swore he could feel a hum of energy radiate from Ginji, and a certain familiar tingling sensation of the mildest electric shocks tickling his skin where it made contact with him. Ban raised an eyebrow – Ginji seemed to have regained a lot of his old self, and was currently happily nuzzling into him, unaware of the effect he had.

"I take back what I said before..." Ginji murmured against Ban's shoulders, and the brunet felt the humming dull to a kind of... purring. He shook his head; Ginji would never cease to amaze.

"Hm?"

"About you treating me like a kid. I don't... I mean, I kind of did resent it a little... But... thank you, Ban-chan, for looking out for me like that. I know you always want the best for me."

"Yeah, I'll always look out for you Ginji. We're the Get Backers, remember?" Ban felt Ginji's smile, and heard it in his next words.

"I do now."

XxX

Wow. Wow. Like whoa, wow. This has been... nothing short of epic. No, really. This has been a production about... a little less than a decade or so in the making? It began, funnily enough, with a dream I had, and the one (and only) scene that inspired this monster was the one of Ban sitting on the school rooftop, smoking. Amazing, eh? I fiddled around with this story so much, revised and tweaked and changed and edited and re-wrote to _madness_. I didn't have a clear plot when I began, but as I wrote and wrote it just came to me, and I thought, 'Why the hell not?' and ran with it.

So, who picked up on the hints that the whole thing was in Ginji's head, if not at least that it wasn't real? What did you think was going on before it was all revealed? I'd love love love to hear your theories.

The clues to the truth came as early as the third paragraph! I'll pick out a few hints:

1. '- where Germany, his birthplace was _supposed _to be'. It's not there! Meant to be, but not! Since Ginji wouldn't know where Germany was even if it slapped him anyway.

2. After Ginji takes Ban's cigarette, Ban says "Not exactly a problem for me _here_." What he meant, of course, was the illusion they're in, not just 'here' in general.

3. I could be mean and say that the fact that Ginji was a student representative should have been a dead giveaway...

4. Ban did mention, that he'd never like Shido, '_no matter_ _what universe_ they were in'

5. Since I'm too lazy to list them all out, I'll just say that a lot of Ban's emo-angsting introspective moments gave it away. If you read it again and apply what you know now, a lot of places will click for you too. Any place where you thought that maybe the wording was a little odd?

Such as, "You're always _in_ my mind", not _on._ Was I sneaky-but-obvious enough here?

6. Oh and a big part too, when Ban looks at the street the first time, there was nothing but darkness, but when Ginji arrived, the street and its streetlamps were. This is because Ginji had never created that part of town before; therefore there _was_ no part of that town. But when he arrived to chase after Ban, his mind subconsciously filled it in. And yes, Ban _can_ go to bars and Pachinko parlours and home because Ginji is _aware_ that he does, and therefore has included space in his head for them (tsk, feeding his habit, Ginji!)

7. Ginji wasn't angry about the store window being smashed. By now you should have had a pretty good inkling that the 'secret' Ban has been talking about, and what he has generally been emo-angsting over wasn't about _himself_, but Ginji.

8. That Ban seemed to have retained his powers while Ginji didn't.

I'm pretty sure I should go into more detail about this, since there will most likely be questions. Ban retained his powers because he is still his own person, has his own mind, despite being dragged along in Ginji's ride. So basically, he has his own awareness, and so can affect things outside of Ginji's. Therefore stuff like warping steel railings, smashing windows, cracking walls (my, what a violent boy) isn't a problem for him. But things like creating or destroying the basis of the reality they're in can't be done, such as creating streets where there aren't any. (or I can go with the deus ex machina and say, "He's the grandson of the Last Witch of the Century, deal with it)

None of this makes any sense? Implausible? Then you're in the wrong fandom, really... I mean, human electric eel? Or are you just too befuddled? At five in the morning, so am I! *mad grin* just deal with it my dears; hope you tolerated my liberal amounts of artistic (abuse) liberty. And _yes_, the bad guy that started this whole mess _did_ have a version of the Jagan, and his hatred when he died, along with his life, was enough to shove poor Ginji into a horrible illusion meant to leave him for dead or insanity; it didn't last any longer than what Ban himself is also capable of (like time warps in an illusion), but the effects of it were so devastating Ginji's mind broke. The illusion they're in _now_ isn't that guy's (dang, I didn't even name him) doing, but rather the product of Ginji's broken mind trying to shield itself from the pain.

[Edit: 06/02/11. LOTS of editing. Seems I'll never be done with this monster...]


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